I’m FAT. So what?

I’ve been kinda down on myself as of late. Feeling really fat and ugly; I can’t seem to take any cute photos of myself, even if I think I look cute. It’s really weird, sometimes I’m perfectly fine with how I am, and sometimes I wish I was thinner and that I had smaller boobs… Yes, I have wished for smaller boobs. And I love my large-and-in-charge chest (I just wish I could get a bra that fits right. :/).

For some reason today and the past couple days I’ve been very introspective, something that’s not necessarily normal for me. I find my own mind to be a scary, twisted, dark, mangled jungle sometimes, so out of habit, I’m not in there much. But, things that have been going on lately have almost forced me to.

And what I found out about myself? I like myself. I like my personality, I like the way I look, I like (for the most part) who I am. Although, just like everyone else, I have days where I feel extra fat and ugly and I feel like all the clothes I have don’t fit right (even though many of them come from Plus Size departments and fit perfectly fine)… Would I like to be a little thinner? Yes. Did I wish my boobs were both the same size? Yes. But do I like myself, for me? Double yes.

I’ve realized that I don’t really care what other people think about me… At least, not on a deep personal “OMG THAT PERSON DOESN’T LIKE ME?! WHY?! I have to know! I have to make them like me!!!!111! I WANNA BE POP-YOU-LARRRR!!!!!1!” kind of way. If they think I am fat, well, they are just gonna have to deal with it, aren’t they? Justin is happy with me; but more importantly, I am happy with me.

Though, I think Justin was a necessary piece to the puzzle of Kira-loving-Kira. He tells me I’m beautiful and sexy. He laughs at my jokes, even when they aren’t particularly funny. And he tells me I’m smart even if I’ve just said something really stupid. The truth is, I know these things, I just never really realized it before. When you are told something enough, you start to believe it. Just like my father calling me stupid, I’m starting to “believe” what Justin says. Thank you, Justin. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times… You are my beacon. I love you.

Even though I am happy with myself, I do want to change myself. Once we move I want to start walking the dog every day, or at least every other day, this will be in an effort to lose weight, AND be generally more healthy. The doctor always tells me I am healthy as a horse, and my blood pressure is always perfect (the one time it wasn’t was after I hurt my back, and I was understandably a little high strung at that time), but he also says that the fact that I sometimes have breathing problems is probably related to my weight. And I know that eventually, being as over-weight as I am is going to catch up with me. I am already at a higher-risk for things like diabetes, breast cancer, Alzhiemer’s, high blood pressure, and stroke simply because they exist in my family history already.

I want to start eating healthier, and by this I most certainly do not mean a diet of any type. I am most certainly a creature of now and when I want a piece of chocolate cake, you can bet your ass I’m gonna eat that piece of chocolate cake. I just mean generally healthier. Living with J’s family it’s not been very easy… His family will cook things that we don’t like, so we go get fast food. We eat out a lot because we can’t really stock the house with our own groceries and cook whatever we want, whenever we want. I also think it’s partially related to working at Lowe’s…

My ultimate goal is to get back down to a size 18. Right now I am a size 22. I know I was happier with my size at 18 and it was easier to find clothes that fit right with out going to plus size specialty stores or departments. Which, I really don’t mind, but those clothes are so much more expensive… It would be really nice if I could find nice jeans at Wal-Mart for cheap, or even Target. I have a pair of jeans that I bought a while back, when I was starting to gain more weight. I believe I wore them once and they didn’t even fit then. I kept them as “goal” jeans. I want to fit in them. Then I will be done.

I know I will never be thin, and I don’t want to be thin. My body simply isn’t built for it. And I’m fine with that. I don’t think I’d like the way I would look if I was thin. I just want to be healthier and to be able to find clothes that fit right that I don’t have to take out a loan to buy.

In short, I’m happy with me. I’m happy with where life is going. You don’t like it? Deal with it. That’s your problem.

Posted: September 2nd, 2010 under Uncategorized - No Comments.

The Great Baby Race

It seems like everyone my age is racing to get pregnant; racing to have a family; racing to have more kids… I can’t help but feel like I’m being left in the dust. I know it sounds so stupid, but I guess there’s a part of me that feels like I’d be one of them. I figured I’d either be in depth with my college education or I’d have my family getting started. And I haven’t really done either. I know that J is the one, and we are going to start a family eventually–and now is definitely the wrong time–so it seems silly for me to worry about this.

I just found out today that my best friend from high school (and someone that I still consider my sister) who is married to someone I consider my brother is pregnant with her second child. The picture featured is her first, my “nephew” Shawn; isn’t he adorable?! I feel like I’m so far behind… I have neither a degree nor a husband and a child. And, while I know we can’t afford a wedding–not to mention a child–at this time I still feel really, really behind.

I know children are in my future, just as I know marriage is. It’s certainly not a matter of if, but when. So I really just need to be patient, it will happen sooner or later and I need to not be concerned about what so-and-so is doing and how do I get to be at the same place in life as them. Everyone moves at their own pace, right?

Posted: August 23rd, 2010 under Life - No Comments.

Things I’ve Learned in the Last Year…

I feel like making a post about things I’ve recently learned… Just in general or about myself…

I definitely don’t want a big family: J has a HUGE family and not every body gets along. From what I’ve seen there is some resentment among siblings. And I know all about the Duggars or whatever and how they all love each other and get along (but hey, lets face it, chances are they put on a happy face for the cameras…). Not ALL big families are like that… Just like not all small families are so happy they could pee… And not all single moms struggle. All I’m saying is a big family doesn’t work much for J and I know it won’t for me. I’d like to have two kids, that’s my ideal. A boy and a girl. If it turns out that we only have one, that’s fine as well, I suppose. I’m an only child and I turned out ok. And if we have the two and at some point have a third, I suppose that’s ok. But I REALLY only want two.

I’m not ready for contact with my dad: After five years (almost six, I think) of not really speaking with my dad (he’s come into Lowe’s a bunch of times and only spoke to me once…) and at brief and various moments thought of reaching out in some way–and have gotten very close a couple of times, I once called and it went all the way to voicemail and I just couldn’t leave a message. Lord knows that would have happened if someone, let alone my father, had answered the phone–but I just chicken out. Recently I had been mulling over the idea of sending my father a birthday card and writing my email address in it… But… I just don’t think I’m ok with it yet. I’m still really hurt about the things he did, and I know eventually I will be able to talk with him (I hope it’s not too late by then) but I just am not ready yet. I’m worried he’d only hurt me more, and frankly on some level I kind of hope by the time I am ready he’s divorced his current wife, who I see as being a large part of the more recent problems. I am, however, quite sad that this distance from my father has basically destroyed the flimsy relationships I had on that side of the family. And I miss my gramma, I was really close with her when I was younger and I regret not being around more, and not remembering to cal her on her birthday, and mother’s day…

J is the one: I had a feeling when we started becoming friends, maybe even before then, that he was going to be important. And he is. He is the most amazing, handsome, supportive, smart, geeky and nerdy, funny, goofy, cuddliest man I have ever known. There are more adjectives I could list, but I’m sure I’ve already got far too many . Anyway, my point is, I truly believe that he is the one for me and I think that he feels that way about me. I know sometimes he gets annoyed at my silly girl/silly Kira antics, but when something is important to me he knows it and he shows it. And that’s whats important. He’s always there when I need him, and I’m always there when he needs me. I love him.

Best friends can betray you: This one I’m not really gonna get into..

Best friends can live all the way across the country: When I was losing my “best friend” who lived locally, I was sad. Then I found a better friend in Lisa, who lives in California. She was there when I needed her to be there… Even though she’s not here.

Posted: August 22nd, 2010 under Life, Love - No Comments.

Fall Is In the Air!

I love this time of year, not as much as autumn of course. The nights are starting to get cooler. The days are too… Almost no humidity in the air. You can smell autumn on the breeze. There have been some hints of the crisp blue color the sky always is in the fall, which I love. And it’s been getting a bit more cloudy too, which I also love. There’s nothing about fall I DON’T love. Well, ok, maybe the smell of burning leaves, yuck.

Lowe’s has been receiving Halloween decorations, which gets me so excited. Especially because (theoretically) we will soon have our own apartment to (cheaply and minimally) decorate for Halloween! We made a quick swing through a dollar store today (a localish strip mall where our favorite comic book shop is was having a sidewalk sale. But more about that later) and they had some cheap decorations that were–some of them anyway–really cool! And since we won’t have much of a budget for that kind of thing, I think I will maybe go back and get a couple of them, maybe check out the other dollar stores to see if they’ve got some cool things.

I’m really so excited for this fall and winter you would not believe. Winter is by no means my favorite season (the official order is Fall, Spring, Winter, Summer) but it has my second favorite holiday in it for which I will get to decorate for. For that holiday I’ve already got tons of decorations (Thanks, Mom!) but will more than likely want/need more since we have more space in which to decorate. Dollar stores, I’m sure will come in handy. And even if I don’t get everything I want or need before Christmas, the day after clearance sales are pretty awesome to rake over. Halloween too; though it seems like there’s less for Halloween decor, perhaps because it starts with less?

The end of this year is shaping up to be pretty good. J is likely to get one of two pretty fantastic jobs that he has a REALLY great chance of getting, in theory by the end of October I will no longer work for Lowe’s (whether I have a new job or not, this remains to be seen), we are with any luck moving within the next month, and when that happens I get my babies back! I (with a few exceptions) couldn’t be happier with where my life is heading right now!

Anyway, about the sidewalk sale, I got three really neat (don’t care how much they’re worth) Beanie Babies for $9 and J got a really neat IN BOX TMNT toy from 1989 for $3. It’s probably not worth a lot now, but who knows in a few years! That’s one of the things I like about being a nerd, sometimes, things you pick up at a garage sale for 25 cents can turn out to be worth thousands!

Posted: August 22nd, 2010 under Life, Love - No Comments.

Chartreuse

So, I know it’s silly but I’ve been deciding what I want our bedroom to be like when we move. Of course, I know this isn’t going to all happen right away. It’ll probably take some time, but eventually I want it to look a certain way.

I really, really, want one wall to be a chartreuse type color (google Pantone 612) probably opposite wall from the bed because the bed is hopefully going to have the same color on it (I found a really great duvet set on target.com. See my wish list.) I want my furniture (and frames, maybe) to be finished in a chocolate type color and white for everything else. I’m really excited for all this… Not necessarily buying all of it, but being out on our own and figuring out this kind of thing together.

We put the application in today for an apartment. I’m really nervous and I hope we get it, which is silly because J is the only one who’s seen it. But, it’s above some friends of ours and they are the only other tenants, so I’m fine with it because I’ve seen their place.

On another note: I think I went a little overboard on my wishlist… But I want all of those things. :/

I’m going to go finish putting laundry away now.

P.S. Cheesy enchilada and sour cream collisions Doritos are delicious.

Posted: August 9th, 2010 under Uncategorized - No Comments.

Oops…

I was naughty today and didn’t work on stitching at all. However yesterday and the day before I worked on it for three whole hours (these have not been posted yet because I’m too lazy to go get the usb cable and upload them. :/). So, I think it’s probably ok that I didn’t. In fact I can probably go another week of not stitching and still technically be ok with it. Not that I’m gonna do that, I’m just sayin’.

In other news, hopefully there’s a fav icon up at the top next to my URL. Hope so. I can’t seem to see it on this computer, but it’s on J’s, and he says it’s working. I trust him, so…

Also, I applied for eleven jobs today. Go me. I realized at about ten o’clock tonight that I’ve only got about two months until I can’t work at Lowe’s anymore… So, I need to get a move on the job hunt. Although, I said to J that if I can’t find one before then, I will just focus on making sure the proverbial house is clean and dinner is ready-along with continuing the job search. Wish me luck folks; in this economy and the low employment rate of our area, I’m gonna need it.

Also, I’ve been adding some new features to my site. I’ve added a links page where I will link to websites that I think are pretty awesome. I have “The Daily Stitch” page. And I’m also planning on creating a wishlist type page, mostly for the fact that when people ask me what I want for my birthday or Christmas, I can never really think of anything. This way, there’s a whole list of things that I really want.

Anyway, it’s late and we should be going to bed. So, later kids.

Posted: August 6th, 2010 under Life, Stitching, Work - No Comments.

Why do I have to have a title?

Dislike: The economy. If the economy were better Justin and I would have much better jobs by now and things would be much easier to deal with. We probably would have been out of here ages ago…

Like: Lisa. She is my best friend in the world.
Dislike: She lives in California and I really need a bff hug right now…

Dislike: My job. I really really hate my job. I cringe just thinking about it. I don’t get enough hours, I don’t feel recognized for doing a good job. I’m only ever patronized and told of my mistakes, not what I’ve done well. It makes me not want to do well. I don’t feel like I’m paid enough for some of the things I have to deal with. They spout off rules that they aren’t willing to follow–such as “Don’t complain about being at Self Check, it’s your job. Everyone has to do it.” No, everyone doesn’t have to do it. I have to do it. Every day. And I’ve told you time and time again that it literally drives me crazy. I don’t have the self-esteem to be over there all day with people giving me dirty looks and walking away from me with out speaking to me after I’ve said hello. I just don’t. You go stand there for one hour and see if you can tell me that it doesn’t hurt, that it doesn’t suck. No, no, you won’t. You’ll just stay in your office and write me up for being insubordinate. I really need a new job…

Like: Justin. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I just don’t know where I’d be without him. I love him so much. He is the most amazing person I’ve ever met. With him, I am complete. His arms are home. He is my beacon.

Dislike: Being separated from my animals. I miss them so much… It kills me everyday. All I’ve thought about the last couple of days is holding my kitty and I swear that as soon as I have him back, I won’t put him down until absolutely necessary. And poor Chex Mix… He actually looked like he was sad today… I don’t know if its because he misses me or because he knew I was hurting… It felt horrible to not take him with me today. I create these incredibly bonds with my animals, they ARE my children.

Like: The possibility of moving in above Thomas and Heather. A.) I can have my animals back. B.) I can have my animals back. C.) I can have my animals back. D.) We won’t live here anymore. E.) More freedom. F.) I can cook whatever I want, whenever I want and not have to worry about being in the way, or offending someone by not eating what is already prepared. G.) OUR OWN SPACE! Actual fucking walls! More room to spread out so we aren’t on top of each other all the time. H.) I CAN HAVE MY FUCKING ANIMALS BACK!

Dislike: Current living situation. We don’t have walls, so, intimacy is hard sometimes. Certain members of the household are rude and hurtful, seemingly on purpose. I sometimes feel like I’m out of place–like this isn’t my home–like I am not part of the family, just a guest who has over-stayed her welcome. I sometimes don’t feel comfortable discussing our problems in the house, for fear of being over-heard. I often feel like I’m the butt of the joke, something that I am not altogether comfortable with.

Dislike: Our car situation. This sort of relates to the economy–if the economy were better, at least one of us would probably have a better job and therefore hopefully a better car. Two of them even. We would possibly even be able to repair them in a timely matter and with real repairs, not jimmie-rigging.

Dislike: The fact that when something really stresses me out, I–for the most part–keep it to myself. Thinking that getting upset about it only makes me appear weak and I need to be the strong one (as I’ve felt I needed to be for so long.) So, when it gets to be too much, the dam breaks. And that’s not good for anybody.

In short, life overall sucks right now. And no, this blog is not a “omg listen to me bitch about my life” post, its me releasing things that have been building and building for a long time. Getting it off my shoulder for a while. Read it or not. (Actually, if you made it this far, you probably did read it.) But please don’t tell me how much it sucks.

Posted: August 3rd, 2010 under Life - No Comments.

Plz to be relocated.

I’m tired of some people being offensive 99% of the time that I see them. They think it’s funny and it’s not. It’s bullshit. And I’m so tired of it… I want to say something but I keep my peace because I don’t want to disrupt the rest of the household. I feel like I can’t stand up for myself and it’s getting very wearing.
It’s like he just doesn’t give a shit, and that’s what pisses me off. He doesn’t say it with any kind of sarcasm. He says these things deadpan. How is anyone suppose to know if he is joking or serious. Most of the time we assume he’s serious.
I mean wtf, lets line up all the left-handers and kill them? Seriously? After I just pointed out I’m left-handed? And you think that’s FUNNY?!

I’m done. I’m just getting angrier and I need to clean. But my feelings are really hurt… Not that he gives a shit.

Posted: August 1st, 2010 under GRRRRRRRRRR Rant, Life - 4 Comments.

</non-friendship>

It sucks to realize that someone you’ve considered to be your best friend for years, probably never really thought you were. Or even if they did, they certainly didn’t treat you that way.

I just found out that this person is inviting her new “hoes” to Minnesota for a weekend trip. I never was invited to Minnesota (except for her mother’s wedding, and it was her mother who did the inviting.) but we took her to Chicago to see Sugarcult and Gordon, WI for a week or so… Am I wrong in seeing this as unfair?

And on top of all of this, she has let one of her hoes to move in with her, when for years, knowing neither of us could make it on her own I suggested getting a place together and she refused. Saying that A.)She didn’t want it to ruin our friendship and B.) I was too messy.

What-the-fuck-ever dude. You’re not my friend anymore.

I <3 you, Lisa. Thanks for being a better friend in Six Months than she’s been for almost 10 years.

Posted: August 1st, 2010 under GRRRRRRRRRR Rant, Life - No Comments.

Wow,

I just realized that I went from dating a guy whose last name begins with an ‘S’, to another beginning with ‘T’. Then I went back to ‘S’ (not the original. I upgraded. ) So, apparently, I’ve decided that ‘S’ just works better for me, T is too close to the end. lol

Posted: July 27th, 2010 under Silly - No Comments.