I’m Ready to Get My Schoolin’ On

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Registration ends August 20th. And guess what I haven’t done yet?

It’s not done yet, because we were hoping we could get me officially onto the lease here to prove that I am an in district student. But since it’s cutting it down to the wire I think I am just going to have to bit the bullet and register as out-of-district. It’s more for tuition then, but as long as Financial Aid covers all of it then I guess it’s alright.

I have an appointment to go to the school for at least orientation on Wednesday. Hopefully I can get everything squared away then… We shall see.

BUGS!

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As embarrassed as I am to admit this… We seem to have roaches. Great. We’ve seen some bugs basically since the second day here, really just a couple a week. We mentioned it to our landlord a couple weeks ago and she said she would send someone out. Since then it seems to have gotten worse. Almost daily we see at least one. n00blet keeps hunting them and playing with them, which we appreciate, but it’s still gross.

At first, I was just like “well, we live in the city and these things happen. It’s not that often we seem them, and they are small.” Really, I was just grossed out because I’ve NEVER had bugs before, and we’ve lived in much grosser apartments before. This is a nice building in a nice neighborhood, so it’s sort of confusing.

And today I went into the kitchen to do some dishes and there is a big one on the counter. I mean, not gigantic, and not scary big, but bigger than every other one we’ve seen before. I’m getting so tired of this. I tried to kill it with the dish soap bottle but he escaped behind the stove.

I told Boyfriend that we need to ask them again about the damn exterminator. I keep the kitchen clean and change the garbage often, so really we shouldn’t have them like this.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

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I just got back from my second interview at the Barnes and Noble near our apartment. I think it went really well, and I am super hopeful that I will get some good news next week.

I’m planning on starting school out here soon as well. I just have to get our lease set up properly so that I can show them that I live here and get the cheaper tuition. I am really excited for that as well, especially since I figured out that I want to become a librarian. I’m starting over at a two year school, so for now I’m just going to have a focus in English/Literature, and once I transfer to a four year school I’m going to major in that for my BA. For some reason, you can’t just go straight for a Library Science degree, so I have to get my undergrad in something else. Maybe it’s to weed out the bad apples.
Anyway, I’m really excited and I know with out a doubt that this is what I want to do. I love books so much that there’s really no other choice for me.

Life in Chicago is pretty exciting, but also much the same as before. Exciting in that there’s so much that we have access to just within walking distance of our apartment. The Magnificent Mile is a quick walk down the street, and the beach is even closer. I love that the grocery store is close enough to walk and we usually go twice or more a week. There’s also two CVS’ nearby and a Walgreen’s. The Barnes and Noble is right around the corner, and a couple Sundays ago when the transformer for our building blew, that’s where we went all day to get out of the heat. Every Saturday there is a Farmer’s Market just on the other end of the alley from us. And almost everything else is either a quick Subway/L ride or bus ride away–like the yummy cupcake place and the Threadless shop.
The same in that for the most part we just hang out at home in the evenings. Usually he lets me know when he’s on his way home from work and I start making dinner. It’s usually about done by the time he walks in the door and we generally sit down and eat it together while watching one of our shows on the Apple TV. After dinner he plays PC games with some friends and I usually cross stitch and watch stuff on Netflix. Although we do go out a couple times a weekend, I think once the newness of the city and all the restaurants wears off it’ll be a bit less than that. But, so far, there’s not much I don’t like living about the city–in fact, the only thing I really hate are the days when there are Cubs games because the mass transit gets so congested, and Cubs and Sox fans are just kind of douchey anyway.

Well, Hey There!

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Oh hai! I haven’t posted here in a while, eh? Been busy with moving to the big city. That’s right, we live in Chicago now.

WHUT?!

I LIVE IN EFFING CHICAGO! The place I’ve wanted to live, uh, basically my whole life. WEIRD.

Anywhos… My life is changing, there’s some general updates I’ve gotta update everyone (but probably no one) on… But not right now… It’s way past bedtime and I still haven’t done my bed time “rituals” yet. But, expect some things to start changing around here. I’m gonna make some changes to the pages (I’ve already changed the “About Me” page) and I’m hoping to start working on the design for a new layout soon. :)

Ok, gotta go catch some zzzzzzzzz’s now. :)

Oh, Sweet Boredom.

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A. Age: 23, I will be 24 in a little over a month… Boo.
B. Bed size: Queen, and it’s still not really big enough for our two big selves and two cats…
C. Chore that you hate: Dishes. I don’t know why… I think it’s the standing.
D. Dogs: I love dogs! We’ve got the Chex Mix for now (when we move in July he’s going to live with my mom for a while). Hopefully some day we will get either a Beagle or Puggle, and later on a Golden Retriever.
E. Essential start to your day: Ya know, I don’t really have one… Maybe that’s the problem.
F. Favourite color: Purple. :)
G. Gold or Silver: Silver. I have always thought gold was tacky.
H. Height: 5’3″
I. Instruments you play: Violin and a little bit of string bass and piano. :)
J. Job title: Currently none.
K. Kids: I love kids! I would like one or two of my own one day.
L. Live: Right now, SoBo, but in less than a month Chicago!
M. Mother’s name: Rhonda
N. Nicknames: My name is so short that I don’t really have any…
O. Overnight hospital stays: None that I recall.
P. Pet peeve: People who chew with their mouths open and just general bad manners.
Q. Quote from a movie: Uhm, lots. But none that I can think of right now…
R. Right or left handed: I’m a lefty!
S. Siblings: I’m an only child, but through Sunny I’ve got four future sister-in-laws and three future brother-in-laws and a plethora of nieces and nephews.
T. Time you wake up: Whenever my body says so… Lately I’ve been staying up a bit late so 9ish.
U. Underwear: Uhm, yes?
V. Vegetable you hate: Green beans! YUCK!
W. What makes you run late: My awful time management skills.
X. X-Rays you’ve had: Teeth and lower back.
Y. Yummy food that you make: Everything I cook is delicious, but Sunny is partial to Kielbasa Tortellini Alfredo and my biscuits and gravy. :)
Z. Zoo animal: POLAR BEARS!

Pro-Choice.

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Yup. I’ve been reading a lot of abortion related articles today and am appalled at some of the pro-lifers arguments as to why Planned Parenthood should be nixed. One person went so far as to say this:

The Fed has no business providing sex education. The should fall to parents first and schools second (locally funded). Parents need to get off their selfish, lazy butts and be parents. Teach your childeren what they need. Don’t rely on anyone else to do it. And as far as schools, I took sex ed at 10, 12 and 14. I mean really, how stupid do they think I am. Three classes to teach me the round peg goes in the round hole. I think I got, thanks. Defund PP and stop the genocide!

The problem with this idea is… Sometimes, parents die. Sometimes, teenagers don’t listen to their parents because, well, they’re their parents! And almost always, the schools sex ed is not worth anything. Yes, they do teach us the “round peg goes in the round hole” but not much else. I, for instance, was not taught about condoms or any other form of birth control, I learned about those from friends and television.

My point is, while a lot of the money that Planned Parenthood makes comes from abortions, that particular service is NOT funded by the government, when a woman pays for that service she pays for the whole service. The funding goes towards pap smears, providing sexual education, std services and mammograms. ALL PREVENTATIVE MEASURES FOR THINGS NO ONE LIKES! If we close down Planned Parenthood how many more teen mothers will there be? How many more people who can’t afford hospital care will die from cancer that if found early enough in a clinic could have been cured?

No one really LIKES abortion, but some of us feel it’s a necessary evil. I once read a blog of a gentleman whose wife had to abort their second child because they found out it was dying and would not survive infancy. The blog said how there were women across the street screaming at them that they were going to hell. But how would you like to carry a dead child to term? Not to mention the health problems such a thing could lead to.

I just wish there was a way to make people understand that most women don’t get abortions just for the fun of it. Just to not have a baby. There are so many more reasons, and it’s none of anyone’s business but hers whether she carries to term or aborts.

(And yes, I am aware that I sort of rambled. But I’m passionate about this, so deal with it.)

I Cry Every Time Anne Boleyn Dies

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Every time. No matter what movie or book it is; I cry. I don’t know why. I have always sympathized with her. Even when I was young and didn’t know much about her. There’s just something about her that I’ve always been drawn to. Perhaps it was the claims that I read as a child that she was a witch, perhaps it was just the pretty portraits I’ve always seen or perhaps it’s just my love of strong females in history (although, remarkably, I don’t hold much love or either Queen Mary or Queen Elizabeth).

Lately, I’ve come to find myself sympathizing more and more with Katharine of Aragon. And, I surprised myself when I was watching The Tudors and it suddenly came to me why… King Henry VIII was acting much how my father did. And by this I mean, constantly sleeping around on his wife who loves him and wants nothing more than to be with her daughter and please him, and God; divorcing her and marrying a younger lady; when Katharine would not give in to his will, he threatened (and later acted upon the threat) to separate her from her daughter, essentially abusing the child to keep the mother in-line. And there are many more, but I don’t want to get into it too deeply, those are merely just the surface of it all.

So, now I found myself identifying with both the princesses Mary and Elizabeth. Which, I find rather odd. I’ve always been afraid of never marrying or having children and dying alone (and being eaten by my 30 or 40 cats). Although, Mary was married for a time before her death it was not until she was quite old, indeed old enough to make child-bearing quite difficult. And Elizabeth was never married, although it’s rumored she had affairs, and possibly even a child out of wedlock (although how that could have been kept hidden for so long is beyond me). Both women had rather radical views on religion for the time, and one, if not both we quite outspoken and intelligent.

Now, I don’t know how radical my spiritual views are for our current time, but in my family they are quite outrageous. And I like to think myself intelligent, but who really knows, but I know I am outspoken. As is my mother. As were both Anne and Katharine.

I just find those parallels interesting…

To Sunny, With Love.

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When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I’d never sing of love
If it does not exist
But darlin’

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we’ve got to find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face
And I’ve always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I’m content
With loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

I’ve got a tight grip on reality, but I can’t
Let go of what’s in front of me here
I know you’re leaving in the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

And I’m on my way to believing
Oh, and I’m on my way to believing
–Paramore

(I miss you, I miss you)
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We’ll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we’ll wish this never ends
We’ll wish this never ends

(I miss you, I miss you)
(I miss you, I miss you)

Where are you and I’m so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don’t waste your time on me you’re already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don’t waste your time on me you’re already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)

(I miss you, I miss you)
–Blink 182

Love, Love, Love.
Love, Love, Love.
Love, Love, Love.

There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.
Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
It’s easy.

Nothing you can make that can’t be made.
No one you can save that can’t be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
It’s easy.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

Nothing you can know that isn’t known.
Nothing you can see that isn’t shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.
It’s easy.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

All you need is love (All together, now!)
All you need is love. (Everybody!)
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need (love is all you need)
(love is all you need) (love is all you need)
(love is all you need) Yesterday (love is all you need)
(love is all you need) (love is all you need)

Yee-hai!
Oh yeah!
love is all you need, love is all you need,love is all you need, love is all you need, oh yeah oh hell yea! love is all you need love is all you need love is all you need.
–The Beatles (and they were right.)

Anxiety

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Well, it’s official. I went to the doctor and he has officially diagnosed and prescribed medicine for anxiety disorder. He also filled out the paperwork for intermittent leave through FMLA for me. Although, I have to go back and have him fill in some missing questions. I even sort of had an episode while in the office, which was mildly entertaining.

I almost wish there was a way that I could just claim disability through the government for a while, get my degree in a job that I want to do and do that. I’m pretty sure a lot of my anxiety comes from the fact that no matter what I do right now I’m sort of stuck. The pressure of school and work seems to be too much for me so I don’t know what to do. We can’t really afford for me to quit and ONLY go to school, but if I don’t go to school I won’t ever get the career I want… Which, right now, is a librarian. I’m stuck and no matter where I turn its more shit to crawl through. Rock and a hard place, for real.

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Hopefully the drugs he gave me help… At least to quite down the constant din of anxious thoughts in my head.

Well, Here I Am Again…

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Again, I hate my job. Again, I want nothing more than to leave that evil, evil place and never have to step back into it.

Sometimes, I wonder if I was better off at that other unnamed retailer. But, either way I’d still be unhappy. Probably equally so, just for different reasons. At my old job it was primarily political issues. Severe lack of communication among managers, favoritism and HR who liked to fuck with people just for the jollies. Also, the crazy drama in my department. And, last but not least, my ex-best friend working there nearly identical hours to me. That made for hours of fun. /sarcasm

At the new job its mostly just… everything. Not so much political issues, at least not that I’ve seen. But, well, I have a phobia of people I don’t know, primarily in large groups, or quantities. At the old job it was rarely busy in the way my new job is.

I am pretty much constantly bombarded with strangers. These people know nothing about me, and I know nothing about them. And yet, I can’t help but feel like they are passing judgments on me. I am aware of how silly it is, but I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that paranoia is hereditary, and my mom was semi-diagnosed with it when they figured out she had an anxiety disorder (which, I’m pretty sure is also hereditary). Especially when you consider that I am also judging them; which–I am completely aware–is only human nature. I’m beginning to feel that most of the human race are vile creatures. Something to keep at arms length. I’m pretty sure these thoughts aren’t normal–but, that’s just silly, I don’t believe in “normal.”

It’s almost as if, in the 5 minutes they are in front of me, I see them in their true forms, so to speak. As if, since they don’t know me they feel free to be how they want to be. Rude to me, my coworkers and other customers. Parents who don’t pay attention to their rotten children, or worse do pay attention and just don’t give a shit that they are in our way or making our job more difficult to do. Parents who enable their children. Parents who just plain don’t give a shit what their children do, rotten or otherwise.   I’ve seen a woman leave her two young daughters standing alone, near the doors for nearly 45 minutes. I’ve seen a mother completely oblivious to the fact her daughters mouth was on the bag carousel–not only risking countless germs but also serious injury if the cashier didn’t realize and suddenly decided to spin the carousel. I’ve had people essentially tell me that I am an idiot because I’m a lowly cashier. Dirty looks, glares, laughing. It’s too much. I know it should all just roll off my shoulder, and once upon a time I was better at it–although, I’ve never been a master of the skill–but, lately, I just can’t help but take most of it personally. I’m sure a lot of it is not intended that way. I’m sure I’ve been a grouchy customer and have maybe been rude to customer service people, but, I don’t know. It’s almost irrational.

I… can’t seem to get past this. On top of all of this there’s about a million other things that are making me anxious. The house is a mess and because dealing with my job makes me so exhausted progress is slow. I’m frequently terrified that Justin will leave me because of all the dirty dishes. I want to go back to school, but am almost certain that the hurdles I’ll have to jump over to go back will be too high for me. Justin hates his job. We are on nearly opposite schedules, so even though are frequently home at the same times we are rarely awake at the same times. I don’t have a best friend anymore–at least, not a local one. If I am able to get back to school, I will just fail out of it again because I am a loser. My father issues have been bubbling to the surface at random moments, usually at the worst possible moments. I haven’t been sleeping well. And countless other stupid thoughts that have no basis in any kind of fact. Most of them are just distortions. I’ve been trying to work on getting better with an exercise a friend from work who is majoring in Psychology gave me–essentially, when I have a negative thought I am to recognize it, analyze it and tell myself why I feel that way. But, while it seemed to be working for a while, I think I’ve just gotten better at hiding the thoughts until they become overwhelming.

Anyway, I feel like I am just rambling now, so… The end.